Piggy

 

Wallowing in something…

 

 

 

I wanted to call it self pity. However, I am going to refuse to do that. I usually write about how sucko I am feeling or how I am lonely or how my meds are starting to get screwy. That gets old.

I wanted to write about something profound I conjured up while half asleep in the shower this morning, but of course I didn’t write it down, so I forgot what it was. Short term memory loss is a bitch.

I will write about how much I wanted to strangle my boss this morning (figuratively). It seems they need my computer lab as an office, and will be relocating all my equipment into another space, most likely the server room on the other side of the building. This pisses me off to no end.

1. The whole reason I am in this office was that it was next to the computer lab. So, now I will be hoofing it to the other side of the building every 5 minutes during program and graphics development as there are no offices on that side of the building.
2. A compromise suggested to me was that the person and my lab stuff share the cramped space. Share. Because they aren’t going to be in the office much. Um, if they aren’t going to be there much, THEY DON’T NEED THE OFFICE.
3. The company just spent big bucks upgrading my network, going to cat6 Ethernet cable from my old Base-T coax. Now, they want to move my stuff somewhere else, which means spending more dough to move it…as we lay off people.
4. The lab also serves as my spare parts storage room. The other space will not offer any storage once we cram the simulator in there. I’ll probably be storing stuff in my office.
5. The sever room is fairly full AND LOUD (8 Alphas, 3 VAX, 2 DECTerms and all the network hubs for the process control network AND the building’s network. We’d be adding 1 Alpha and 5 VAXs, 3 DECTerms and 3 20” widescreen monitors). I can’t wait to spend hours doing graphic and process troubleshooting in there. What fun.
6. There aren’t any desks or anything in the server room, so new stuff will have to be obtained. The lab’s stuff is built in.

 

I hate my job. It is full of idiots. I was asked if it was possible. I said yes, but thought “I can stick the damn lab into the parking lot because it is possible.” I should have said that. I just said “You’re the boss-lady. Whatever you want”. Yuhp. I know it doesn’t matter what I want. At all. Ever.

 

That bombshell was dropped on me first thing. Then the FTP service to my main VAX crashed. Now, as I am writing this, I received a call that in the process of fixing it, they erased the service. Erased. SO, I am on a major conference call listening to these people reset my production VAX. Fun. Just to be spiteful, I didn’t inform any of the engineers. Fuck ‘em.

 

I have had a history of being ignored. Partly it is not getting what I want at the disappointment that brings, but a lot of it is just that people won’t engage me and give my thoughts serious consideration.

 

I was on a team for a physics project in high school. I was terrible at physics, mainly due to the fact is what calculus based and I hadn’t taken calculus yet (I got in special…long story…all based on my math skills, though). I stumbled through it. I hated it. Especially projects. My skills are in finding simple solutions to complex problems, not to developing a multi-faceted project. I am a born troubleshooter. But, I digress.

 

 

We had a few project meetings. I tried to offer my two cents, but the others just did what they wanted to do. I didn’t care, but it was frustrating. Finally, during the final days of the project, the design would not do what it was supposed to (launch something over something for some distance blah blah blah). I looked at it, thought of a fix, and suggested it. Ignored. So, I just made the change myself to the protests of my teammates. I said try it. We did. It worked. Our project scored the highest with a perfect score. Simple solution to complex problem

 

And I was ignored.

 

A lot.

 

All the time.

 

Everywhere I went.

 

Everywhere I go.

 

Fuck them

 

Fuck them all.

 

I hate being ignored.

 

 

I went to a “party” Saturday evening. It was boring. We hung out for about 2 hours, then we gave up. We only knew 2 people. It was kind of a birthday party that turned into a block party. Not our scene. The theme was “Margaritaville”, but the music was far from it. I had worked up several songs on guitar, songs that fit. I didn’t even bother breaking out the axe. We left, grabbed some dinner, and went and relieved the babysitter. 3 hours worth of watching, three hours worth of being out on our own, and we just got bored.

 

We just don’t have anyone local that we like to hang out with. Of course, our son takes precedence, and rightly so. However, we digressed socially so much that we only spend times with others about once a year, and that time is usually Christmas.

I have had a rough Monday. I keep getting lied to by a particular someone and I think I am at a breaking point on that. Problem is, I can no longer discern what is truth and what isn’t, so I don’t want to seem like an ass if I call them out on something that happens to be true. I have done that before with a different person and I had a hard time living it down.

 

I am really starting to severely dislike chemical engineers. I can hold my own with mechanical and electrical engineers, but I constantly get talked down by the local chem-ees, especially ones who think they know a lot about all specialties. They don’t.

 

I did get to go to a family reunion yesterday. That was pleasant. I have gone pretty much every time I could. It was the 47^th annual Hein family reunion, which is my mother’s family. It is a good bunch (we had 117 attendees this year). Took some photos with my mom, grandmother, great grandmother, and my son. Photos of five generations are hard to come by.

 

I have placed some ads on Craigslist and on some “dating” sites looking for friends. Of course, I am very upfront about my situation. I find that I align with females moreso than males socially. I don’t hunt, fish or watch NASCAR, so I don’t relate to most of the local guys. The Craiglist ads usually get gays trolling for “straight” guys. Joy.

 

The funny thing (or the sad thing, depending on the point of view) on the dating sites is that I get “matched” to poly-amorous trans-gendered Wiccan vegan WoW players. Pretty much I get paired with complete social outcasts. I think the writing on the wall is clear; I’m going to have to find a wizard outfit that is made of hemp and goes well with high heels.

 

I suck.

 

I think my anti-anxiety drug is interacting poorly with my bi-polar med. This is not good, but I have an appointment next week to discuss things.

 

I think we’re going to Cuero to visit with one of Chel’s aunts. I think it will be pretty boring. Chel wants to stay for 3 days. I think we’re going to do two. I don’t fish, so there isn’t much else to do.

 

I am a it sick of the Michael Jackson a-thons right now. Of course, this is probably the only way to get MTV or VH1 to actually play videos.

 

I wrote the following the day it happened:

 

As a 36yo male, I was in grade school when MJ was big. The vast majority of kids in school listened to his music, watched his videos, moonwalked on the playground, and bought MJ licensed stuff. The coolest kid in school was the one guy who had the red leather zipper jacket. Glove jokes abounded. MJ was bigger than life, and he helped shape our little minds of mush. What he did in latter years doesn’t matter, as I had already grown tired of pop and had moved on in my adulthood. However, he was the shit then.

His passing killed off that part in me that hoped he’d get his act together, that he’d find a miracle surgeon and fix his horrific mug, and that he’d make really good music again, music I could appreciate and love once more. The truth would come out about his personal life, good or bad, and he’d get the help, praise, or condemnation he truly deserved.

 

See ya on the flip, Michael.

 

 

L8rs-