“Just call me angel of the morning, baby………..”

I love that song. Juice Newton had a good recording of it, but the Billie Davis version is much more believable, and her live performance on Beat Club is awesome. She just bleeds the song. Remarkable.

I like how the song shows the woman showing her independence and her free will, but also the darker side of self loathing. It is just deliciously emotional and yet intellectual. Even more interesting is that the song was written in 1967 (or so). The song was offered to Connie Francis, but she turned it down as being too risqué. Today it wouldn’t even be a blip on anyone’s moral radar.

Well, I do apologize for the delay between posts. I have pretty much come out from underneath the blue funk I was in, only to be slipping back into my normal holiday blahs. I just haven’t felt like writing much, even though I have had a lot of topics in my head come and go, so you’ll probably just get a meandering mish-mash of junk verbiage.

For those who care, I did go to my concert. Alone, of course. I had a decent time. I ate dinner and had a few beers at the Hard Rock Café, which is a few steps away from the front of the Verizon Wireless Theater. There were four bands:

1. High on Fire. Not a bad band, but not a superb one, either. They were a 3 piece, which is fine for punk music, but is silly for a metal band. There were gaps in the music as the bass guitarist had to do double duty doing bass and filling in as a sort of rhythm guitar. There should always be two guitars in modern metal. Black Sabbath they aren’t. Otherwise, they weren’t bad. The vocalist also was a bit distracted from singing to play lead. They need more members to really do some good.
2. Converge. A great band minus their lead. He sucked royally. He was more into the barking scream time of lyrics, but the problem is that he really DID sound like he was barking. People around me chuckled and snickered every time he “sang”. He sounded like one of those cheap sampling keyboards Casio made in the late 1980s. You know, the ones where you can sample your cat and play “Jingle Bells” in meows. Bark, bark, bark. And even when he was lyrical, he was so high pitched that it didn’t match the direction the band was going in the song. The rest of the band sounded good, and their vocals were great. They just need to ditch that awful lead and get a better vocal. Then they could probably start headlining events.
3. Mastodon. I had such high hopes for this band, and they disappointed. The acoustics and mix for this band was terrible. They played their new album. The…whole…thing. Problem is, their better stuff is earlier works, and the new stuff is more jam-band oriented. It was almost if Phish decided to play metal, with actual Grateful Dead members back from the dead. Never ending. My feet were killing me. Even the mosh pit guys were bored.
4. Dethklok. If you didn’t know, Dethklok isn’t a real band. A superbly talented artist/cartoonist/musician named Brendon Small created the band for a cartoon Metalocalypse. So, the concert had Brendon playing and singing with studioi musicians backing him up (really good ones at that), synced up with a large screen showing the cartoon band. It was awesome. Definitely worth the wait, but not necessarily the cost of the ticket. Perhaps if Mastodon was better. Perhaps.

I looked around. The vast majority of people were with other people. Friends, lovers, family. There were only one or two of us creepy, ineffectual males just standing around. It was very unsatisfying, and I felt very alone.

So, new rule for me: I must have someone to go to a concert with before I buy a ticket. I will not go alone again, nor will I waste 50 bucks on an unused ticket. I couldn’t find anyone to give the damn thing away.

I stopped with the ads and such. It was self defeating. The hope of finding people and not finding them was a vicious depressing cycle I needed to stop. Done. The profiles still exist, but I won’t be active on the sites.

I have been working on a lot of computers of late. People keep bringing them to me. Fortunately, I have been fixing them. Wild. Of course, I do not charge for services rendered. I just can’t. It is a bit hard to explain why, so I won’t.

I never found my original disks for my old computer, and with its hard drive issues, I bought a new 500 GB SATA drive and installed *gulp* Windows 7 Home Premium.

I…….

Like………

It…………………….

*yikes*

It isn’t a bad OS. It has its annoyances (one of them being its cryptic network setup, which I stumbled through). It is pretty slick. I have been impressed. I have one driver glitch for a co-processor (???), but it hasn’t affected operation. In fact, it runs pretty well, better than XP for the same setup!  I soon might convert the rest of the machines in the house (you can buy a 3-machine license, which would cover 3/7 of the remaining machines…)

Halloween sucked.

I have been toying with a podcast on one of my other blogs. However, it hasn’t been published yet as I have found I just can’t “wing-it”. I need to prep, but hopefully this blog will have some podcast editions. Stay tuned.

EVE is as fun as ever, although the 0.6 system next door to my home system has been getting a LOT of suicide raids. I haven’t seen one yet, just CONCORD flying around. Once I did see someone salvaging a wreck, but it appeared that the target was not blown up, or at least the cavalry showed up to prevent excessive looting. Who knows. I was targeted briefly, which usually means to back-off. Methinks they weren’t happy.

I made something like 500 shuttles from different races. I was traveling to another region to sell, but saw that some folks were getting jumped at one of the gates, so I have been a bit more cautious and infrequent in my deliveries. Not much profit, but is kinda fun.

I am currently 8 jumps away running missions for a different agent. I am contemplating of setting up a corporate office there. We’ll see how it goes.

Well, if I don’t post again, enjoy your Thanksgiving Holiday.

And yes, the Texans suck. Don’t get me started…

L8rs-

Feeling blue

I get to be a bachelor this weekend, which means I’ll do absolutely nothing.

I was looking to take a trip to New Orleans earlier this month, but that fell through. I would have liked a break, I think. Now, I am going to spend some time alone (wait, aren’t I always alone?) this weekend as Chel & Nik are visiting her brother and family in Allen. They are traveling up there with her parents, so they’ll be taken care of. I just don’t like her brother and family enough to go visit. Besides, with a shutdown at work, I need to be available. So there.

The sad part is, outside of playing some EVE Online and doing some chores around the house, I won’t be doing anything. Most likely I’ll be watching some college football. I thought about attending the Wings over Houston Air Show, but that wouldn’t be any fun alone. SO, I will wallow in EVE loneliness for the weekend.

I got the parts in for my pwned computer. I assembled the machine and tried to boot. No joy. When my old mobo fried, it caused Windows to become corrupted. So, I tried a repair install (once I found my old install disk, which was an upgrade disk for an old, old Windows 95 distro). That worked sorta, except it wanted me to activate the software, but wouldn’t let me try. It just sat there. I tried some backdoor ways, but to no avail. I knew I needed a fresh install, but I tried it that way. Oh well.

So, I didn’t wipe the drive (as I needed the data!), so I did the fresh installation. It seemed to work. I grew tired, so I haven’t installed all the drivers yet, but the machine connected to the internet ok. Once I get the video drivers installed, it will be off to the Windows Update land for SP3 and all the other goodies.

The machine seems to run very fast. It boots as fast as my gaming machine, although the anti-virus and firewall are downloaded but not yet installed. Drivers first.

My EVE characters are ready to go for some heavy duty mining without the annoyance of can flippers. I also have been improving my drone skills. Can’t wait to mine like a madman.

I had another weird, semi-sexual-not-really dream. Different gal from the office. This time, it was just us talking, laying on the grass watching water on a lake. I try to move her closer and she ends up on top of me (mistakenly). She then says “Sorry, Mike, I can’t”. Weird. My intention was just to lay there with her, watching the waves. The appearance of me trying to get some bothers me. Maybe that’s why I am not outwardly physical. I fear rejection, that tinge of pure regret and embarrassment. I don’t know.

Still no date for the concert. *sigh* There is this one “mystery” woman who is interested, but she waffles on whether she can go or not. I gave her a deadline of today to figure it out. No actual hurry, but I do want to try other avenues as well as forcing her hand.

The plant people are pissing me off, as usual. Operators with attitudes, project folks with no clue and no desire to do anything, and ol’ Mikey in limbo. Fun. Why do I work here again?

My lunch today consists of a small can of tuna, one packet of mayonnaise, one packet of sweet relish, and about five small round crackers of unknown variety. Completing this culinary delight is one wooden spoon to mix, mash, and scoop. StarKist markets this as a “lunch”, but it is more of a snack for those who just weren’t very hungry.

For dinner, I might stroll over to Hartz chicken and score some fried chicken livers, gravy, and a half dozen rolls. This stuff is like chocolate to a diabetic. It is a treat for me as there is no way I could eat this stuff more than once a month. My arteries, stomach and physique could not stand up to a pounding like that for very long.

One thing I have noticed when I am immersed in EVE is that I have gotten really comfortable in my solar system. It is a hi sec 0.8 system, and the neighboring ones are at least that high (ok, there is a gate to a 0.6, which then has a gate to a 0.4, but that is it). We’re not on the way to anywhere, so our through traffic is small. Easy NPE, easy mining, with only the occasional jerky can-flipper or stupid newbie.

I had a mission that required me to go many jumps across several systems and regions. That was fun: load up all you’ll think you’ll need, and start hopping. Some of the systems were spectacular. Came across one 0.8 that had something like 20 asteroid fields but no one was in it! The different colored suns caused my ship to reflect differently. It was awesome. Saw a dozen Gallente Naval battlecruisers hanging out at a major crossroads system.

I did that mission in a Catalyst. I love that ship. Almost lost it on a mission once when I tried to clean up an area just after losing my first Thorax cruiser. Dumb move. I guess I thought I had nailed more of the baddies. Anyways, the Catalyst is the pickup truck in Eve. It can do almost anything (within hi-sec reason).  Funny thing is that I name my ships after Greek gods. So, I thought the name Eris would be great for my destroyer, without knowing that the Tech II version is the Eris! Funny, at least to geeks like myself.

I have been blown up several times on EVE, and got podded once. I lost a Thorax in a mission where I used bad tactics and had the ship severely under tanked and casually mixed weapons. That was a tactical and fitting lesson.

I lost a Retriever mining barge because I got suckered into a fight. Yes, I tried to attack someone with…a….mining…barge. You see, this guy in an Iteron V came up and flipped my can, thus giving me kill rights on his butt. I thought “Hey, I have 2 medium drones on this barge, so I can take him”. Mistake. He was testing a setup where he’d web me (prevent me from leaving fight) and hit me repeatedly with a blaster. My drones did a fair job, but his blaster finally took care of them. Then it was blasters on my pitiful butt. I couldn’t outrun him, and I was not tanked at all being fitted with cargo expanders. He did offer to spare my ship for something like 4 Million ISK, but I said “Me go boom”. It was kinda fun actually. I zipped away in my pod and grabbed my Thorax. Unfortunately, it was fitted for longer range engagements with no web, so I couldn’t tackle him. He got away, but we did talk. He was very generous and gave me not only my stuff but some ISK as he was surprised I wasn’t a dick about things. I just said “Hey, it’s a game, and I didn’t have to shoot!”  Lesson here is that 99% of the time, if they tip your can, that they are suckering you to an unfair fight. They just haven’t revealed what their secret weapon is.

I lost a Celestis in W-space. I thought the NPE in wormholes accessed from hisec would be similarly easy. I was wrong. DEAD wrong. Dudes picked me apart from something like 80km. I was just investigating. Oops. Lesson learned here is that I need a gang and big ships to go in there again, at least to rat Sleepers.

Also in W-space I was hanging out near the wormhole in a Tristan (yeah, a lone frigate in W space…no cloak, either) messing with my probes. I just happened to look up and see a ship warp in to enter the wormhole. I shoulda warped away, but I didn’t have an “emergency” point to go yet. I thought, “Hey, there’s another soul here. I haven’t seen…” BOOM. I was pelted my railgun fire. Two more salvos and I was done. Then, he blew up my little podling. Lessons learned: 1) Don’t stop and stare at the stars …keep moving or hide really well in low & null & W sec space. 2) If you see another ship and you don’t wanna fight, RUN. You can “chat” on subspace if you like, but don’t sit there and gawk. And 3) have an “out”. It helps to align yourself to that out, even if you’re cloaked. It helps take seconds off your escape.

OK folks, I am out of here. Have a HAPPY HALLOWEEN. Call me of you get bored.

L8rs-

I had a dream last night, what a lovely dream it was…

I HAD A DREAM
John Sebastian
 
 
I had a dream last night
What a lovely dream it was
I dreamed we all were alright
Happy in a Land of Oz
 
Why did everybody laugh
when I told them my dream
I guess they all were so far
from that kind of scene
Feeling mean
 
I heard a song last night
What a lovely song it was
I thought I’d hum it all night
Unforgettable because
 
All of the players were playing together
And all of the heavies were light as a feather
All I remember is a feeling tomorrow
And as I recall the rest will just follow
 
I had a dream last night
What a lovely dream it was
I dreamed we all were alright
Happy in a land of Oz
Happy in a land of Oz

As the drugs affect my brain, my anti-anxiety med usually knocks out the dreams. But not last night. I had my usual Navy dream. But then, I had THE dream.

She was there. That girl from work. The cute one. The freckled one. The family friend one. The married one. The one that is completely untouchable.

But the dream. It was real. Of course, it wasn’t pornographic or anything. It did start of like a letter to Penthouse magazine, but it ended more like a cross between an after-school special and an episode from The Twilight Zone.

I was in her office, talking. She had her shirt unbuttoned, but from the bottom up. Only the top 2 or 3 buttons were still fastened, so that her midriff was showing. It was nice. I like freckles. We talked some more. I kept thinking I should tell her shirt is undone, but I just politely hung in there. Totally awesome. As the conversation wrapped up, she said she wanted to thank me for all the help I have given her, like computer help and the like.

She wanted to thank me. So I was thinking, “Here it comes!!!”

She undid the rest of the buttons, showing off her bra. She then came up to me and hugged me. I ran my hands around her midriff and back. She said thank you, pulled away, and buttoned up.

That was it. Now, I know I don’t have sexual dreams. However, this is the second “tease” dream about her. The end was definitely weird. Was my help only worth a hug, a glance at her everyday bra and her torso, and a few seconds worth of touch?

Maybe touch is all I am looking for, that human contact. Or maybe my drugs or sub-conscious likes to cock tease. Or just maybe, this dream means nothing at all, more like a random storyline, a kind of improv. Who’s to know?

By the way, she is probably leaving the department soon for another job within the company. Damn.

 I blew up a computer this weekend. Smoked it. Burnt smell and everything. Nothing fancy, just tried to run a more intensive program on it than it was used to. It ran fine, but thought I’d shut it off overnight. This prevents me from hitting the computer in the morning and not getting outside to do yardwork.

The computer never restarted. Now, I normally keep this machine running as it is the defacto file server. Well, I tried to run EVE on it. It did well, although I did get some videocard temperature warning alarms. I decided to shut the unit down.

Upon starting the machine the next morning, it showed an error on the system clock and BIOS. I couldn’t get into windows. It took about ten tries. Once there was an error with the hard disk (which may have deleted some important files). I did get Windows to finally come up and act right, but found that the system clock was only at 1.6 Mhz, down from 2.0. I tried adjusting but to no avail. I started EVE as I wanted to do some mining (I have two accounts which I use to mine efficiently.

The computer crashed and a burning smell was detected. Windows would no longer stay running. Upon inspection, the case was extremely dusty. I also believe the fan failed on the videocard, thus frying it and possible the motherboard.

Since this was an old craptastic motherboard (First (that’s the brand) with Athlon XP2600 (used to be a 2400 but I fried that one)), I decided to upgrade on the cheap, as this was the original idea for this system when I built it about 7 or so years ago. The old video card (fried, as it smells burnt and the cooling fan is stiff – probably doesn’t turn) is an AGP x2 Radeon, so a modern board and PCI videocard will be needed.

I ordered from TigerDirect:

• AMD Athlon II X2 (215) @ 2.7Ghz
• MSI K9N6PGM2-V with GeForce 6100 motherboard
• Thermaltake A4022 TR2-R1 CPU Fan
• CRUCIAL 1024MB PC5400 DDR2 667MHZ  memory (times 2)
• Galaxy GeForce 9500 GT 512MB PCIe w/Dual Link DVI videocard

All for LESS THAN $200! What a deal. I’ll just plunk these in, and let Windows XP get confused. It will take some time to get the drivers and such straightened out, but should be ok. I can’t wait. The machine had been running on borrowed time, and it really needed an upgrade. I use the machine all the time (as it has been a descendant of my old Pentium 166MMX in some form or fashion).

Well, I called Deb to see if she wanted to go to the concert. She is the one I went with to see Amon Amarth back in April. No joy. She can’t do a Thursday night show (although she just didn’t sound enthused).

So, if you know of someone who wants to see Dethklok and Mastodon, let me know. I will either take them as a date or sell them my ticket. I am giving u trying to find someone.

 L8rs-

I know, it has been a while since I last wrote. I needed to take a break from writing as it was taking me away from other more important things. Read on, o’ pioneers…

I do want to thank those who expressed their empathy after Stan’s death. I do want to thank you and I am ok with things.

So, what is new? Not much. I am addicted to EVE online. What a game! For those who don’t know, EVE is a massively multiplayer online role-playing game (MMPORG) which a hoot to play. With over 7,500 star systems to explore as well as wormhole space, you could spend a lifetime exploring. It is very, very addictive.

Of course, I really needed another reason to sit on my ass all day like I need another hole in my head. What I like most about it is that even though the game promotes interaction and camaraderie, I can be alone and do my own thing. Just like in real life.

I was supposed to go to New Orleans on the 9^th to meet someone and go to a Black Crowes concert. I’d get the hotels, they’d get the tickets. What a pipe dream THAT was. I told Chel they’d flake out, and they did. I should have bet on it.

As far as concerts go, I still have no takers to go see the sold out Dethklok/Mastodon concert. The usual begging and groveling on websites and Craigslist has led to…1 interested party, but they have to work that particular evening. Shit. I really don’t want to call up Deb (the one I went to Amon Amarth with), so I am seriously considering of selling my extra ticket. I really don’t need this social bullshit.

So, the weekend I was supposed to be in New Orleans, I went to the Houston Gun Collector’s show in Houston. I was able to find and purchase (using my federal firearms license!) a 1901 Nagant M1895 pistol. It is in great shape; however the Imperial seal has been ground off (which happened in the early days after the revolution, but the practice was stopped sometime after due to budget constraints).  I would have preferred one with the seal, but this is a nice piece of history. I do have one from 1915 with the seal intact, and one from 1930. I haven’t disassembled the 1901 yet to verify the matching serial numbers, but the dealer I bought from I have done business before with, and he is pretty honest and knowledgeable.

I have 2 gun safes and they are getting full, so it may be time to invest in a large cabinet so I can also put in my rifle as well. I have the 1933 91/30 Mosin-Nagant rifle sitting about (the bolt has been removed and is in one of my safes, so basically it is just a stick of wood and metal). However, I would like to get it into a safe nonetheless. 91/30s are long (over 50 inches), so the cabinet must be able to handle shotguns as they are similar in dimensions. Until I find one, I will hold off purchasing any more rifles (unless it is a deal I cannot pass up).

I am looking for a pre-1900 M1895. And lordy, if I can find an actual 1895 pistol (about impossible), I’d buy it up (within reason).

I am getting comfortable carrying my .380 Bersa Thunder. I have three (ok, four) holsters for it, each with its purpose. One is a leather holster for inside the waistband left hip. One is for inside the waistband but it is a left hand draw for carrying behind my back. I draw with my right hand, so you have to spin it around when it is behind your back. Just think about it.

The third holster COULD be an inside the waistband, but it is very bulky. I like this one as well as it has a nice thumb release strap that holds the pistol firmly and a pocket for an extra magazine. I wear this one outside the waistband over my right hip. I have some oversized Hawaiian shirts I wear for this one.

The fourth holster is a joke for someone my size: an ankle holster. My calves and legs are so meaty that the holster and weapon barely fit in a pants leg. Even relaxed fit slacks “print” the weapon too obviously. Also, this model of holster is a single strap, which doesn’t work well for the Bersa as it is fairly heavy toward the hammer, so it wants to tip backward, which makes the damn thing feel uncomfortable. A lighter pistol, a smaller pistol, or one with a heavy barrel would work much better. The Bersa just doesn’t work.

I do like carrying the Bersa behind my back, which means I usually half to wear my shirt not tucked in, which is ok for me as I have very few tailored shirts. I have carried it in oversized shorts pockets, but I don’t like to do that as I tend to use both pockets and you do NOT want to fumble for change in the same pocket as your weapon. It is bad form and slightly dangerous.

 Some people say that they wear their weapons so much that they don’t notice it. I hope I never get to that point. I don’t think you can be safe if you don’t notice that the weapon is there. Accidents happen that way. Constant vigilance will prevent accidental discharges. And that means, I know that the pistol is there and its constant position.

I do carry the weapon loaded with one in the chamber. This means the gun is ready to fire, sans the one safety I keep. I have a hammer-block safety always on (I check it holstering and unholstering). With the hammer-block, you could theoretically drop the pistol from any height and it would not discharge. I won’t test that, but it does make sense. The safety is easily removed by a thumb movement, which is included in my hot draw. The safety is also a de-cocking mechanism, although I use it AND slowly release the hammer with my thumb. I make double sure it doesn’t fire. The Bersa is a double/single action pistol, so the pistol is not cocked until I cock or until after the first shot. The draw is long, so the weapon is fairly safe even if one bullet is chambered.

I probably could carry my .45 Hi-point pistol outside the waistband, but why would I? This is more of a home-defense weapon. It is heavy, oversized, and has an annoying setup. There IS NO DE-COCK on this pistol. The only way you can de-cock the pistol is to pull the trigger. I hate that. You have to clear the weapon, make double sure there is nothing in the chamber, point to ward a safe direction, and pull the trigger. Yikes.

So, I don’t keep a bullet in the chamber on this one. As a concealed carry weapon, it is rather inefficient as you have to unholster, pull the slide back, and ensure the bullet didn’t jam or stovepipe, before the pistol is ready to fire, and then it has only the single action trigger, which is more sensitive. That is better suited as a home defense weapon as you typically have more time, and maybe don’t want to be pointing a loaded weapon around in the dark until you are sure of your target. Of course, both my .45 and loaded.Bersa are side-by-side in my pushbutton safe. If I need an immediate hot weapon, the Bersa is ready to go.

I did have to grab my .45 once so far. In the middle of the night both me and Chel were awakened to a LOUD crash with the sound of broken glass. It sounded like someone threw a boulder through our patio door. I grab the .45, hand on the slide ready to cock, and peeked around the corner into the living room. All is well. I checked back toward Nik’s room and then cleared the living room. To our relief, I found a large and heavy ceramic dinner plate had been pushed off a counter in the kitchen by one of our cats.

One thing I learned was that we wouldn’t have been able to call 911 if there WAS someone in the living room or computer room as our phones are in there. We have kept the phones out of the bedroom when I used to be on call. Now, I guess we need to get one back in there is we don’t receive the volume of calls anymore.

Halloween is around the corner and we’re doing…nothing.

We went to the Brazoswood Buc Band Alumni Reunion last Friday night. It was homecoming and they were also recognizing the 1974 state champion football squad. It was a blast. We marched in, played on the field and sat in the stands with the band. It brought back many great memories. We all agreed that it was the best of times.

Well, there is the update. Enjoy.

L8rs

For Cathy. This is what I am going to miss in New Orleans…

The memorial service for my former co-worker and friend will be on Friday. My emotions have been on a rollercoaster since I found out. The upcoming event has made me revisit other passings of family and friends.

The first funeral I can remember was that of Big Mamma. I don’t remember what relation she was to me, but I am guessing it was my mother’s father’s mother. I was very young. I remember going over to that house a few times before. You tend to remember the toys, which is very important to little tykes. And I remember the layout of the house, which is just one of my childhood idiosyncrasies.

I remember going to the funeral home, standing on my toes to peek at the person in the casket. I really didn’t recognize the person there, not because of faulty preservation, but rather than my dealings with her mainly dealt with playing with the few toys she had in the house. She wasn’t as ever-present as my mom’s mother (we lived with her when I was born), so it could have been someone off the street as far as I knew. I think I said hello or something to the body, as I believed that the casket was just a bed or something. Someone told me, in the matter-of-fact manner my family tends to do, that she couldn’t speak because her mouth was sewn shut.

I guess I was around 2-3 years old. I am trying to remember if my brother James was born yet, which a marker in my memory is for age. I think he was which would make me older than 36 months. Then again, maybe it was before. I do know we drove up there in the Buick we had.

Another funeral that sticks out was that of my Granddad Leatherwood. I think that was his official title. He was an imposing man, hyper-intelligent, adventurous, and seemed to have some sort of weird effect on my dad. Hell, his wife called him Mr. Leatherwood. It was almost mafia like.

I guess I was in junior high, maybe 6^th grade. He was in a coma due to the rampant lung cancer he had (a heavy smoker until the end) that had metastasized. My dad went up there every night. I was assigned by my evil step-mother to ride with him, to ensure he’d get back safe. I think I got to miss a day or two of school. And dad and I had never been closer before or since. In fact, it was the beginning of the end of our wonderful father-son relationship.

When I found out he passed, via a phone call, I immediately broke down. I even cried on the shoulder of my evil step-mother, who for once didn’t deride me for getting upset. The flood of emotion was over in about 15 minutes. Then, I was ok. I probably shut the feelings down. I tend to do that. In fact, I get a little sore throated thinking about it.

Granddad Leatherwood was an avid sailor. He had always promised to take me out sailing (he took me flying in one of his airplanes once, but I was way too young to enjoy it). Every time I saw him, I asked if we could go sailing. We never did. I have a lot of regrets about that, but his nature was not that of family. My dad’s outings were not ones of pleasure, but ones of work. All of dad’s brothers busted their collective asses around Granddad, at least that’s the way I remember it.

The one death and funeral I really felt no emotion, yet I should have then and now, was that of my second “mother”, Mrs. Sherri Konvicka. I loved her dearly. She was one of my best friend’s mom, and she looked out for me. I spent a lot of time in her house and she treated me like family. In fact, I was family. When I left for the Navy, we fell out of touch, but she was at my wedding.

 I had only been back for a few months when I learned she had died of cancer. She had been fighting it for a long time and we had thought it went into remission, only to appear again with a vengeance. I went to her visitation. I met with the family. I felt…nothing. I was so ashamed that I didn’t go to the funeral. I needed to get on a plane that evening, but I probably could have delayed that.

I…felt…nothing.

In fact, I still don’t. I should. In fact, I hurt more knowing that I feel nothing.

My friend Matt hasn’t really spoken to me since.

I attended the funeral of my Grandmother Leatherwood in Ranger, TX some time after that. In the informal, crazy Leatherwood way, the microphone was passed around to family. It is our tradition. I spoke, mainly to represent my dad. He just couldn’t say anything. I had some little story to tell of how she would show us kids different things to eat in the yard. Grasses, clovers, etc. She was very much an earthy, nature bound woman. However, I only saw her alive maybe three or four times in my life, and all of them were when I was a young lad. I called her once when I was in the Navy to ask how she was doing, but she confused me with my younger cousin Michael.

My voice cracked during the speech. I don’t know why. I tend to feed off the vibes from others, I guess. I know I didn’t have feelings for her, as I didn’t know her. But, I showed more emotion then than I ever did for Mrs. K.

Dammit.

When my Dad’s brother Louis passed, I really was hit with emotion. He too battled cancer, which left him extremely weak and disfigured. Uncle Lou had always been the rebel, the adventurer, and the funny one. He could keep you entertained with stories, jokes and magic tricks for days. He was a Navy retiree, which helped prompt me to join. I wanted to be like Uncle Lou. And it was his illness that made Chel and I to decide to start sailing. A whole lot of influence from a man I barely knew.

I did visit him on my own once. I was traveling from Orlando to Houston when changing duty stations with my girlfriend Julie. I knew he lived in or near Pensacola. When I arrived in Pensacola, I looked in a phone book, found his name and called him up. We met up and did some talking. He was incredibly surprised to see me. But I wanted to see him. I idolized him from afar.

Damn, I am getting upset writing about him. I really wished I put forth the effort to get to know him better. We did visit with him a few years back, a year before he died. We went up to North Carolina in the only Leatherwood family reunion that has ever happened. He was very ill and could only talk briefly. His frail body and disfigured head was not the Uncle Lou I knew. However, his wit and humor was still there. He was a hard man to beat down.

His funeral was a very emotional one. Again, we passed the mic. I did not speak, but laid my hand on my dad’s shoulder (I was sitting behind him) when he spoke his few words. He wasn’t close to Lou, either. And he had regrets as well.

The funeral then progressed to the military portion. Being a retired Naval veteran, he was interred in the Barrancas National Cemetery, located within Naval Air Station Pensacola. The military ceremony is solemn and poignant. My Navy brothers did a bang up job. It was poetically beautiful, yet hauntingly scary. Seeing the rows and rows of markers, I told Chelsa that I shall not subject my family to such a place by being buried in one.

The family invited everyone to join them at their house. I needed time alone. My dad really wanted me to go, but I needed time alone. I was staying in Mobile, AL (it was hard to find hotels near Pensacola as they were recovering from Hurricane Ivan). As I drove back, I played Evanescence’s “Hello” and “My Immortal” over and over again. After singing along and letting my emotions drain through tears, I curled up in the hotel lobby and did my college homework. I immersed myself in work to stop the pain.

“Hello”- Evanescence

Playground school bell rings again
Rain clouds come to play again
Has no one told you she’s not breathing?
Hello I’m your mind giving you someone to talk to
Hello

If I smile and don’t believe
Soon I know I’ll wake from this dream
Don’t try to fix me, I’m not broken
Hello I am the lie living for you so you can hide
Don’t cry

Suddenly I know I’m not sleeping
Hello I’m still here
All that’s left of yesterday

Billy Thompson was a budding friend. He had transferred to my department when I took over the SME role in Chlorine a few years back. In a year, cancer would have taken him from us, from me. I visited him in the Brazosport Deathpit, er, Hospital ICU. He was in a drug induced coma. His fiancée encouraged me to talk to him and hold his hand. He was a big man, something like 6’4”. Strong as all hell, and he still looked it. His hand was warm and still felt strong. I stepped out and she followed. We made small chat and she knew of me because Billy talked about me all the time.

Dammit.

I attended both the visitation and the funeral. The visitation was warm and friendly. You could socialize. I saw his human husk laying there in a tropical shirt, very much like the one I was wearing. That I always wear now. We would have been good friends.

The funeral was cold, disjointed and distant. The casket was closed. People I had no connection with spoke. Some stories and some religious gibberish. I did not attend the burial. I was already disconnected.

I kept Billy’s work jacket. I have it hanging in my office. I think I will always have it around.

I make it a point not to attend funerals if there is visitation. Visitation is where I hope to find the needed release. Funerals are too formal. Ceremony is an honor, but does nothing for the survivors.

So, my friend’s memorial service is on Friday. Stan’s remains have been cremated, so this will be more of a visitation. I am thankful that the family chose that, but it does fit Stan’s personality. I don’t think he liked the BS of funerals, either.

So, what is death? I know you can’t hang your hat on some religion, as they collectively do not have any facts to back up their beliefs. Do we just cease to be? Or is there a higher consciousness?

When you dream, your dreams only take up a matter of a few seconds in real time. However, your dream may seem to last for hours. I used to believe that you dream forever in your final moments. That’s if you die slowly.

Alright, enough of this.

L8rs.

“Poems. Prayers and Promises” is a song written by the late John Denver. I was playing and singing the song just the other day. I need to look at the lyrics and see how they apply to me.

I’ve been lately thinking

About my life’s time

All the things I’ve done

And how it’s been

            I have been doing that a lot lately. I have been going through a middle-aged crisis since I was 30. I am saddened by what I missed and the mistakes I’ve made.

And I can’t help believing

In my own mind

I know I’m gonna hate to see it end

            You betcha. I am not looking forward to dying, not just yet. I have so many dreams that need to be realized. The Caribbean calls.

I’ve seen a lot of sunshine

Slept out in the rain

Spent a night or two all on my own

            I enjoyed being on my own sometimes. I was very lonely, mind you, but I did enjoy not having to care about or for anyone else. Sometimes I am just as lonely now as I was then.

I’ve known my lady’s pleasures

            This goes without saying. Note the past tense in the lyric is correct.

Had myself some friends

            Also past tense. I still do have a few friends, but none of them are close. That has to do a lot with me. I am very critical of people, but not to their faces. Just in my own snarky, secret way, which I think is a big turn off for the general population. Plus, I have a hard time enduring the fools of my life.

And spent a night or two in my own home

            Which is a good feeling. I know some folks out there are wishing for more. I can’t complain too much about my crap shack.

And I have to say it now

It’s been a good life all in all

            It has been a rollercoaster, but I do admit nothing catastrophic has happened. I am fed, have a home and loving wife and son, and am gainfully employed. Looking  at the macro view, it has been good. It is the minutia (and a horrific childhood and            adolescence) that bothers me and is hard to let go.

It’s really fine

To have a chance to hang around

And lie there by the fire

            Fire = computer screen

And watch the evening tire

            = watching my EVE Online character mine ore.

While all my friends and my old lady

Sit and pass the pipe around

            Pipe = my wife’s addiction to digital scrapbooking. I actually wish we could pass a pipe around. I need to be more mellow, but random drug tests makes the mental health benefit not worth the risk.

And talk of poems and prayers and promises

And things that we believe in

            I believe in free markets, personal freedom, and limited government. I believe in the right to do to one’s own self what they will. I believe in firearm ownership. By most common perceptions, I must be a red-neck hillbilly hippie corporate weasel.

How sweet it is to love someone

How right it is to care

            And you wouldn’t believe how many people don’t care. I do care. However, my definition of care is different than the popular television versions. I care for your soul, your individuality, and your well-being. I don’t care to force what I believe or follow onto you, though, in order for those things to exist.

How long it’s been since yesterday

And what about tomorrow

And what about our dreams

And all the memories we share

            Our dreams and memories are both alike in that we can’t seem to be able to grasp either. You can’t live in a memory, and our dreams seem well out our grasp. Ok, MY dreams are our of MY grasp.

The days they pass so quickly now

Nights are seldom long

            Ain’t that the truth. My son is growing up so fast. I feel that every minute I spend here or in my one leisure activity I am missing out on an eternity of development of my kid. And nights, well, it is hard to get up in the morning. A lot.

And time around me whispers when it’s cold

The changes somehow frighten me

Still I have to smile

It turns me on to think of growing old

            It does, somewhat. Being a teenager sucked, but being a twenty-something didn’t. Maybe that because my 30s suck, my 40s will be great.

For though my life’s been good to me

There’s still so much to do

So many things my mind has never known

            Sailing the Caribbean forever more. And maybe the South Pacific. New Zealand calls me as well.

I’d like to raise a family

            Doing so…

I’d like to sail away

            You betcha.

And dance across the mountains on the moon

            Not really, but is niftily poetic.

I have to say it now

It’s been a good life all in all

It’s really fine

To have the chance to hang around

And lie there by the fire

And watch the evening tire

While all my friends and my old lady

Sit and watch the sun go down

And talk of poems and prayers and promises

And things that we believe in

How sweet it is to love someone

How right it is to care

How long it’s been since yesterday

What about tomorrow

What about our dreams

And all the memories we share

EVE Online has really gotten me hooked. I am so enjoying it. Nothing like MMPORG-crack to keep me up at nights. It does keep me from trolling the dating sites looking for, well, anything. EVE is awesome and incredibly complex as well.

I went to a Brazoria Gamers group get together Saturday evening. I learned to play a new game. The folks are friendly, but I wonder if I could be friends. Outside of wanting some mental exercise in games, collectively we have little in common.

Still no definite takers to go see Dethklok and Mastodon in November. I am thinking now of just selling the extra ticket online or something.

My swimming is really wearing me out, which is a good thing I think. Hopefully, my stamina will slowly improve as my weight starts to slowly come down.

My meds are really doing a number on me. If I don’t take some of it with a wine cooler, then I get side effects. More Seagram’s Margarita-flavored booze, please.

Enough of this-

OK, this is a mixed post with some questionable content at the end. So, for those with faint hearts, small children, strict morals, or other hang-ups that keeps your mind shut to different ideas, please mosey over to http://www.disney.com

I went swimming this morning. I finally anted up some dough and bought a membership at the LJ rec center. I swim twice a week and am looking to push it to three times a week. Crap, my meds are kicking in…hold on.

Ok, my swim today was 400m (that’s 8 laps in a 25m pool for those who are mathematically challenged). I swam 200m breaststroke and 200m with a kickboard to focus on my legs. In a breaststroke, you tend to use more of your upper body as the frog kick is inefficient. So, I have to use the kickboard. Besides, it allows me to push my swims longer.

I have a new hobby. An addiction, per se. I am playing EVE online. Oh…my…god… is this game addictive! It is a very complex game, but I am enjoying the hell out of it. A bit pricey on a monthly basis, but I will probably extend using the annual plan. One of the neat things is that while offline, your character can continue to increase skills. I am so glad I tried it out. I can be an independent loner miner. Other games require “friends”, so this game suits me fine. Yes, the gameplay is better with buddies, but you can get by just fine.

OK, now the tasteless and objectionable.

In the shower at the rec center, I really needed to pee. Now obviously I couldn’t just whiz since the stalls share common drains. I normally pee in the shower at home. The warm water just says “GO!” Urine is sterile, so why do people have an issue? Ok, some pee stinks to high hell, so I’m kewl with that. And when it dries, the urea stench is even worse. So maybe I can understand the problem.

So, is pee really that bad? On the internet, you can find videos and people who find pee play sexually gratifying. Of course, the same goes for scatological fetishes, sex with animals, and pedophilia. Obviously it doesn’t validate its existence. I have had 2 encounters in my lifetime that involved pee in a sexual way, quite by accident (no pun intended). One was horribly disgusting while the other was quite erotic.

What do my readers think?

I have been hitting the internets pretty hard for dateland. Now, those that know me and my family know our, well, liberal views regarding marriage, so no lecturing about that. I find that female companionship is much better than hanging around the guys, but since I do neither right now, either-or would be great.

I have hit up:

• http://www.okcupid.com
• http://www.pof.com (Plenty of Fish)
• http://www.adultfriendfinder.com
• http://www.ashleymadison.com
• http://www.craigslist.com

Adultfriendfinder.com is a scam so avoid it. Ashley Madison has been featured on national media (there was even a Superbowl ad), but it is filled with prostitutes and the site is pricey.

Craigslist is a crapshoot. You never know what will pop up, but 99% of the time it is spam.

POF is fairly featureless and has little to no representation of Brazoria County or surrounding areas.

OKCupid is by far the best and has some great questions and quizzes to fill out with a matching scheme. Unfortunately, my highly rated matches are:

• Practicing Pagans and witches
• Polyamorous hippies
• People who actually believe they are vampires
• Sadists
• Highly pierced and tattooed girls who are also very much into BD/SM
• Renaissance fair junkies
• Lesbians
• Bi-sexual females…looking for females
• Transgenders/transsexuals
• Severe gamer geeks. WAAAY severe.
• Intellectual bigots

So, no one close to what I am seeking for. I wonder if it’s just me. Regardless, I have only come across two people who would hold a conversation with me: One who really wants me to go to her church and the other was just on there for the quizzes, but invited me to  *ahem* a gamers club. I joined nonetheless. I need to network.

I also set up a profile on http://www.fetlife.com . This site is more of an informational and networking site. It is not a dating site, but deals with fetishes and such.

Seagram’s margarita flavored wine coolers are a new addiction of mine as well. I have some of the B&J ones, but they suck. Seagram’s all the way.

I removed this blog from Facebook. I liked the traffic, but there were too many family members and co-workers reading the blog entries. There was so many, in fact, that I found that I was censoring myself. As you can see, I am not censoring.

I am getting involved in some civic activities which I will not disclose here, at least not yet. I will be blogging about it on my other *secret* blog where I am not identified.

Back to work as now I have finished my lunch.

L8rs-