Have a dream and a smile

I woke up with a smile on my face.

You know how often that happens? Like zero.

And I am still feeling good 10 hours later.

I was able to go to bed early enough to get some good rest. However, that is not why I had a smile.

I was smiling because my alarm clock woke me.

It woke me from a dream…from a dream that was just about to get sexual.

I don’t have wet dreams. And even very few vaguely sexual ones.

This was almost there…about a situation I cannot divulge. Needless to say, it is a little taboo. And I cannot guarantee my own anonymity.

But it has been a daydream of mine.

And it almost happened.

My smile was a mixture of the wonderful dream that was happening, and the beauty of my luck that it was time to wake.

I just couldn’t help chuckling about it all.

The situation is poetic: what can’t possibly happen in real life cannot happen in my dreams.

Is my subconscious that grounded in reality?

You see, when I dream, my dreams are intense and vivid. I take a medication that severely messes with my brain chemistry. I even took a medication to try and counter this side-effect, but that resulted in a host of other side effects that were worse.

I discontinued the medication being used to treat a medication some time ago.

And I just cope with the dreams.

Almost always the dreams are dull, like dreaming about going to work or being in the military (which I was) or whatever. Long time blog followers will remember this from the stories before the Great Deletion™.

But, wow, what a dream last night.

And I am glad it didn’t finish…or at least move further into it. It leaves so much unanswered. And it allows me to fill in the blanks during my god-awful bus rides to and from the desert. My mind gets to actively play author, and each scenario is intriguing and titillating.

Of course, had the fantasy ever presented itself in real life…wow, yeah, I’d have jumped all over it. It has a serious time-constraint, though, so there would be no way for it to happen today. It was a much younger me.

A younger me that missed out on so much.

I pretty much have Aspergers. I never really realized I had issues separate from the general population until my own son was diagnosed.

“Wait. What? That’s normal for me…what? What do you mean autism spectrum? “

And now I understand why I couldn’t connect with people, why I didn’t understand (and still struggle with) other people and social situations.

I have to consciously concentrate and think about my actions.

And I have to be medicated. I have to have something to stay grounded with.

I wish I had the meds back then.

I would have had MANY more adventures than I had.

And I would have been happier. I was pretty miserable as a pre-teen. And it took a long time as a teen to finally “figure things out”. And even then, I made a ton of miscalculations.

It explains also why I desperately need validation. I need to be acknowledged. I can’t just know. I need to hear it.

Or my mind wanders. And it doesn’t wander to the right places.

To places like my dream.

Someday I will share details…not today.


MMTOTD: She plays for both teams, or so I thought.

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